@FeelingMervis: UGH. When I text girls that I have standards, I really need to stop abbreviating the word standards to STDs.
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@stefani6124: I love it when I run into people I know at my psychiatrist's office... Because I'm like, "Hey, you're crazy too? Cool."
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: My Roomba sucked up some cocaine & cleaned the entire house in 5 mins. Now my jewelry's missing & the Roomba's trying to bang the blender.
@1Happytwit: I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.