@NicCageMatch: Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
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@shegotagronk: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 53 times a day, you're an Instagram filter.
@imadepoopstoday: I've learned that you can buy a kitten with no problem, but you have to come back at a different time to buy the juicer.
@Jake_Vig: [engineer looking at blueprints] "Well, here's your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll."