How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
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your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”