@_troyjohnson: Ugly Duckling is my favorite story that teaches kids it's okay to look weird for a while as long as u get ur act together and become hot.
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@davidkenny100: Morgan Freeman: I'm not losing my mind, I'm not losing my mind. [Morgan Freeman voice] He was though. He was losing his mind big time
@CynicalCanuck: Am I in the Mile High Club if I jerk off under a blanket on a plane? Just kidding, United doesn't have blankets. Sorry lady in seat 21B
@cjwerleman: When Obama declared war on Ebola, an executive producer at Fox News tried to find it on google maps.