I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
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The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!