@_troyjohnson: Ugly Duckling is my favorite story that teaches kids it's okay to look weird for a while as long as u get ur act together and become hot.
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@That_Damn_Duck: I've never once used the "C word" in a tweet but I will now!!!! Cookie. There, happy now? You c**ts.
@NewDadNotes: Man sees the first Cat Caveman: omg that sabertoothed tiger just mauled me. I'm gonna call him Mr. Bumblebottom and make him sleep with me
@Book_Krazy: Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself "I can't believe I'm recording this"
@LeBearGirdle: Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight *checks phone* Jesus: WHO IN DAD'S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!" *judas slyly slips phone back in robe*