@_troyjohnson: Ugly Duckling is my favorite story that teaches kids it's okay to look weird for a while as long as u get ur act together and become hot.
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@KaylarWill: It's a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That's a bill I gave to Jesus
@sirmunchie: My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn't just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
@ericsshadow: [traffic stop] COP: where ya headed? ME: on my way home COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat* ME: look at me when I'm speaking to you
@bigmacher: Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would've pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.