[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
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A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.