@QwertyJones3: Uh, guys... I just heard from my doctor, and it's bad news. If you've retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
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@man_spach: When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they're judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
@Brianhopecomedy: My 5 year old thinks that there's a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won't get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
@AIMMadellynne: The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was: Are U serious?