Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
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Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Omg 🤣
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks