“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
You Might Also Like
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’