I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
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GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Nothing.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING