uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
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me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
LOL!
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you