uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
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If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?