@rysox80: Uh oh, happy facebook newlywed, your husband just created a twitter account.
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@wolfpupy: aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
@VerbsRProudest: One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
@Rollinintheseat: Interviewer: "What's your greatest accomplishment?" Me: "I was in a lot of people's MySpace Top 8s back in 2004."
@ShutUpThatsWho: ME: I know it's probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight! BEER: Hey buddy, don't be putting words in my mouth now.