What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
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Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Love this guy
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home