@419BillE: Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
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@KyleMcDowell86: [old couple feeding ducks in the park] "Nothing could ruin this Edna" *I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
@Lord_Voldemort7: Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you'll never know which side he's on.
@onion_an: Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming [thinking of an excuse because I can't swim] Me: I got killed by a shark once
@MarkAFuqua_Hunt: Want to get your kids attention and make sure they hear what you say? Start whispering something to your spouse.