Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
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When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Every work meeting this week
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.