Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
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FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
ok this is my dumbest yet
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.