“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
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I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.