@wettbutt: uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
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@_TayTayJustine: Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album. Don't be an enabler. Drop the phone.
@Ilovelamp1979: My cat just told me to stop talking during the movie. Maybe homemade psychedelics were a bad idea
@WhaJoTalkinBout: Every time my husband hides my pants, I have sex with him. Don't tell him I have more than one pair.