uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
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Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.