UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
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The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.