UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
You Might Also Like
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.