If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
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Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked