I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
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Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.