Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
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*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
japanese corn
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.