Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
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In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT