[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
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How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
im 7 sauces long
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.