[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
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Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too