I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
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I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
What an awful time to have common sense.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.