Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
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If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
So, can we agree on 4 or
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?