Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
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The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.