Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
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Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.