I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
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Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
good morning
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.