@weismanjake: "Um, thanks?" -A woman who posed for a Picasso painting
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@NurseMurderer: My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, "all over."
@amishschool: If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
@TheDailySchmuck: Top Five Creepy Things: 5) Dark and stormy nights 4) Spiders 3) Cars with eyelashes 2) Decaf drinkers 1) People who take one bite of cake
@PlopWaffle: Lois : Clark, are those binoculars? Clark Kent : Yes, I can't find my glasses. Lois : Put them down for a second. Clark : Lois : Clark : No