the three best gummy flavors, together at last
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[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Thoughts
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.