I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
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*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.