Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
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If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Being rude underwater is snarkeling