Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
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But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.