Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
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Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Just say no
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!