Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
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Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids