Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
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Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
S/o to @funTweeters .
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys