Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
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Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
My current situation
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.