@bencoffeehall: Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it's important to start out really fat.
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@TheMichaelRock: [at interview] Her: In three words or less, tell me why we should hire you. Me: I'm good with numbers.
@Marlebean: AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE'S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it's just my hair in the drain
@SuperRandomish: Autocorrect changed "baby rattle" to "baby battle" and now I'm googling where to buy tiny weapons.