Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
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This is Sparta
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
how to market bottled water to dads
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms