look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
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I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
[shakes fist at other fist]
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.