Damn … History Channel 馃榾
#archaeohistories
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[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
There鈥檚 a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there鈥檚 nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Mike Tyson鈥檚 apartment building
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
she is beauty, she is grace
she鈥檚 got a hotdog for the space
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
I wish other people my age weren鈥檛 so old.