Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
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Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.