[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
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just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes