Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
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goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?