Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
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My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
PLOT TWIST:
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
THIS HEADLINE
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.