Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
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Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
incredible book dedication
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys