Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
You Might Also Like
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.