Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
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[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
12653.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get